I don't normally post personal things on my photography blog/page, but feel the need to in this circumstance. I love my job, I really do but in the last month it's been very hard. I feel like when I wake up in the morning before a session or to face anyone in fact I have to put on a strong face.
This song says it all…
I posted mid January I was suppose to have surgery the first week of February but ended up in emergency surgery on January 24th. A day that will stick in my mind forever. As most of you know, (because I become friends with a lot of clients and get to know them on a personal level) we have been faced with unexplainable infertility for the last 16 months. On January 21st we finally got the + we had been waiting so long to see but 3 days later all our hopes were ripped away from us as I was taken in for emergency surgery. Going into surgery I still had high hopes that our baby would survive. When I came out of it after surgery they explained that I had an ectopic pregnancy) the baby was at the very end of my left tube and was causing me to bleed internally, and that they were able to save my tube but not the baby.
If you’re wondering what an ectopic pregnancy is, The Mayo Clinic has a great overview. The short story is that babies belong in a uterus. If they don’t implant there, they may implant somewhere else, most commonly in a fallopian tube. That pregnancy can’t be sustained. Hopefully someday doctors will be able to successfully transplant them to the uterus, but at this point that isn’t a viable option.
I will go on to have further testing done and probably the surgery that I was originally suppose to have but right now I can't think of anything but how unfair it is that we tried so long and this is how it ended.
When I went back after surgery for a checkup and spoke to my doctor, she explained I was at least 8-9 weeks pregnant, which blows my mind because when you try for so long you know your body pretty well and take pregnancy tests on a regular basis. My December test didn't pick up on it and I had no other signs, we even went to Mexico after Christmas on a little getaway, that picture at the top of this post is one i'll cherish forever... One, because it was before all this heartache started and two, because our angel was with us.
Since our loss, I've successfully photographed 3 newborns, and I say successfully because I was able to get through the 2-3 hour session without having a breakdown. I actually think throwing myself back into it was the best thing to do, when I photograph I get into my zone and i'm thinking 2 poses ahead of myself and push the personal stuff aside. I thought writing this blogpost might be easier than answering the "why did you have surgery?" question on a daily basis. It's not a happy story and something I don't want to relive everyday. By no means do I want people to be scared to talk to me but right now encouragement is best, I'm a strong person but like any woman that goes through a loss I definitely have my days.
We will never forget our angel and plan do something special as a family in August to celebrate our baby's due date. Below is canvas I made to hang in our home, on the bottom is our angel's name. "Blaine August Bentley" Please keep our family in your prayers as we go through the next few months, time is the best healer.
